Hearing Fluffs

I was driving in to work and a commercial came on that was speaking of “Art Dickies”. Art Dickies? What in the world? I continued to listen and “instant cold wraps” and “effective relief from pain and swelling” were mentioned. Oh. I get it! They’re saying “Arctic Ease”!

Well, that had me thinking about mishearing. I’d always misheard, but it’s happening more these days.

stone deaf

I immediately thought of song lyrics. The easily misheard would include:

Queen—(We Will Rock You):
Nope: “Kicking your cat all over the place.”
Yep: “Kicking your can all over the place.”
(Queen may have been haters of animal abuse!)

Jimi Hendrix—(Purple Haze):
Awkward: “Excuse me while I kiss this guy.”
Correct but even more awkward: “Excuse me while I kiss the sky
(It makes sense: Who kisses the entire sky?)

The Beatles—(A Day In The Life):
Nope: “I read the news today, old boy”
Yep: “I read the news today, oh boy”
(I can see this. “Old boy” sounds British, right?)

oh boy 02

The Rolling Stones— (I Can’t Get No Satisfaction):
Me: “I can’t get no – girl reaction”
The Stones: “I can’t get no – girlie action”
(I was too young to understand what “girlie action” meant.)

These are just plain crazy:

The Who—(Who Are You?)
Sandy’s version: “Blue awning, hoo-hoo, hoo-hooo; Bluuue Awning, hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo…”
The Who’s version: “Who are you? Who, who, who, who?”
(Picture Sandy with her eyes closed and strumming an air guitar.)

blue awning

The Beatles—(Across The Universe):
Perfectly reasonable: “Jackaroo Day, Oh”
The actual Gibberish: “Jai Guru Deva OM”
(Am I the only one who doesn’t understand Sanskrit?)

ELO—(Don’t Bring Me Down):
Understandable but wrong: “Don’t bring me down, Bruce!”
Really, but – What?: “Don’t bring me down, gruß!”
(This puts karaoke singers in a daze.)

Bruuuce

The Beatles—(Michelle)
Wrong: “Michelle my bell, some day monkey play piano song, play piano song.”
Right: “Michelle, ma belle. Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble…”
(Only a karaoke boss or Jacques Cousteau could sing this one.)

Manfred Mann’s Earth Band—(Blinded by the Light)
Wrong on so many levels: “Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douche when you’re rollin’ in the night”.
Shazam: “Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce; Another runner in the night.”
(There’s nothing wrong with my hearing…everyone hears the wrong version, right?)

Dan Seals (England Dan)—(I’d Really Love to See You Tonight)
Funny: “I’m not talkin’ ’bout the linens”
Sane: “I’m not talking ’bout moving in”…”
(Too cute for me to change what I hear any time soon.)

linens

Queen—(Bohemian Rhapsody)
Way off: “Saving his life from this warm sausage tea”
Accurate: “Spare him his life from this monstrosity”
(But I clearly heard the words “Scaramouche” and “Fandango”… go figure!)

scaramouche 

Then there are the misheard translations from those who have learned/are learning English as a second language. Most of my relatives fit in this category. My mother referred to “roast beef” as “roast beast”. I only tried to correct her for a very short time because I grew fond of this amusing reference. My father would reverse words. We frequented Farmer Jack, a supermarket chain in Detroit. Dad referred to it as “Jack Farmer”. Again, we didn’t bother correcting him, as it just made him more charming.

Once on a visit to our home, my Uncle Pete had his first experience with that southern nuisance, the chigger. He said he had never heard of “gigolos”. Dear Uncle Pete also called earmuffs, “ear muffins”.

chigger_map

I also remember our Grandma Peltz used to say: “”two peas in a pot”. (hee-hee).

The Ukrainian, Dmitri, a contestant on Project Runway, referred to a “one-trick pony” as a “one-way monkey.” Again, funny and charming.

With the prominence of New Jerseyans on television, it’s no wonder subtitles aren’t incorporated for the rest of us to understand the malapropisms, mixed metaphors and odd grammar that’s used.

Teresa Giudice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey says things like, “that’s the way the ball drops.” (Or, does a ball bounce?) She also slaughters words by saying “ingredientses, stanima, and semolina (salmonella).

cake

Sopranos writers inserted humorous abuse of the English language during a very serious plot through one of the most famous New Jerseyan characters, Tony Soprano:

“I was prostate with grief…” or “Alright, sure. Go ahead. I’m a little miffled, but yeah.”

And then there’s Joey Tribbiani from Queens (a mere 2 ½ hours from New Jersey), who would use “moo point”.

Joey: All right, Rach. The big question is, “does he like you?” All right? Because if he doesn’t like you, this is all a moo point.

Rachel: Huh. A moo point?

Joey: Yeah, it’s like a cow’s opinion. It just doesn’t matter. It’s moo.

I haven’t forgotten other celebrities like Norm Crosby, Archie Bunker, and George W. Bush who massacred the English language. I’m just running long on this post.

It didn’t take long for Sandy to provide examples when I asked her to think on my topic. Within a few days, a friend, Laverne, paid her a visit and said, “I need you to write a letter to the IRA and ask them to forgive my Dad.” Sandy thought, IRA?? Wasn’t her dad Jewish? How could he be involved in Ireland’s battle of Catholic versus Protestant? Well, Laverne really wanted the IRS to forgive her debt.

IRA

Within a day or two, Sandy said that her “almost sister-in-law, Mary Kay had a break-in where some sentimental items were stolen. Mary Kay proceeded to call her niece, Tracey, to ask her to accompany her to some local pawnshops. Rather than an answer from her niece, there was dead silence. Mary Kay explained that the police suggested these visits to the pawnshops to find some of the stolen items. Tracey burst out laughing because she heard her aunt asking her to accompany her to some “porn” shops.

There’s also “You’ve got another thing coming.” I’ve always said this and just found out it’s, “You’ve got another think coming”. Apparently this error is so egregious the Donald said, “I’d fire an employee who said, “think” for “thing” and then have them killed once they left my building.

All this is to say it IS easy to get your wires crossed now and then, especially as we get older. You know you’ve had them. What are your strangest or funniest “mis-hearings”?

The Benefits of Drinking (Water)

I was going through my “sale” notification emails, and surprise! There was a free app to drink more water that normally would cost $1.99. You don’t have to tell me twice. I downloaded the app and immediately texted my mother-in-law, because she loves “free” and needs to drink her water.

I opened the app and found that I should be drinking about 80 ounces of water. What? Why? I immediately contacted my best friend, Google, for answers.

Why drink water

It turns out that ¾ of our bodies are water. Basically, we are made of water!

The Brain is comprised of approximately 80% water. It shouldn’t be a surprise then, that drinking water and brain function are linked. Just a 2% drop of body water will cause problems with focus, short-term memory, motor skills and brain fog. This mild dehydration can cause headaches, sleep issues, fatigue, irritability and even depression.

The Digestive System when hydrated, helps us, you know, “go”, by adding fluid to the colon and bulk to stools to flush waste material out of our intestines. Staying hydrated may be more important than eating fiber for staying regular.

Kidneys are over 80% water so hydration reduces the burden on them to flush waste products and bacteria through our urinary tract.

Seniors are more at risk of dehydration as the sensation of thirst decreases with age, and their kidneys have decreased ability to concentrate urine.

Drinking water leads to frequent urination, so the fear of not having facilities nearby may lead the elderly to avoid liquids. (I know I don’t drink water after 4:30 pm so I can make it home from work without stopping at a McDonalds to use their facilities). It’s logical, right? Wrong! Drinking plenty of water throughout the day can actually help stop leakage and improve bladder control.

Observing the color of urine is an easy way to assess whether you’re properly hydrated.

water volume - final_urine color

Your heart is composed of 73% water. Keeping hydrated helps the heart more easily pump blood (which is 90% water), through the blood vessels to the muscles. And, it helps the muscles work efficiently. Research shows that consuming “high-energy fluids” (like soda and juice) increases the risk of death from coronary heart disease.

It could help you lose weight because drinking water before meals has you eating less. Also, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it’s often mistaken for hunger. You may not be as hungry as you think.

With plenty of water in your body, the chance of developing Arthritis lessens because there is less friction in your joints.

Rock the smile! Drinking plenty of water reduces cavities and tooth decay. Water helps produce saliva, which keeps your mouth and teeth clean.

Drinking plenty of water also helps hydrate the skin, which in turn reduces the signs of aging. What’s better than being skinny and looking young?

water reduces wrinkles

So how was I going to get all that water in me when I drink coffee until cocktail hour? Well, I have a cup of coffee at home and one when I get to the office. From then on, I drink water (until cocktail hour). It can get pretty boring so here are some ideas to boost your intake:

Change up the way you drink water. Use a pretty glass instead of a bottle. Change the temperature to just cooler than room temperature to  drink it faster. Or, drink some of it HOT. Have a nice cup of decaf tea (caffeine robs you of water as it’s a diuretic).

Drink with a giant straw from McDonalds or a milk shake straw. This allows bigger gulps, so you drink more at a time. Plus it keeps the ice from attacking your face. Win. And. Win.

Straws can make your water drinking fun!

drinking water can be fun with an LED straw

I just plain FORGET to drink water! To help you remember, add a drink to routines you’ve already established—after brushing your teeth or always with a meal out (added bonus: you’ll eat less and save some currency).

Let’s face it: most of us have our phones with us, so use them to your benefit. Set the timer or download a free app such as Waterlogged or Daily Water to help track, store, and analyze your water consumption.

I opt out of using the flavoring you see in stores and discovered infusing your water naturally with fruits, veggies and herbs is the way to go. Fill your pitcher to the top with ice and fruit, veggies and/or herbs. Cover with cold filtered water and let the water infuse at least 1 hour.

infused water is delicious

Find great combinations from the liquid hand soap aisle (Although I’d avoid white cotton, oatmeal and beach sand):

  • Lemon Mint
  • Mandarin Mango
  • Lavender Chamomile
  • Citrus–Lemons, limes and oranges (just make sure you don’t leave them in the water for over an hour because the rinds make the water bitter)
  • Lime and basil
  • Cucumber and Melon
  • Blueberry
  • Green Apple
  • Pink grapefruit

Change up your cubes! Just texture changes the experience, so instead of cubes how about crushed ice? Or buy ice-cube trays in fun shapes. Dropping some berries or grapes into your ice cube trays before filling will add flavor along with the eye-candy.

titonic ice cubes make water interesting

 

Can you imagine how pretty those ice cubes shaped to get into water bottles would look with blueberries or lavender?

Get more motivation with this:

water can be motivating

This post is directed towards the middle-aged and older. The younger generation seem to drink their water pretty regularly. Their water bottles stick to them like fat thighs.

On my way to drinking more water

For all of us who drink little or no water, let’s surprise our organs with a quenching glass of water!

Is it my fault?

When my children were born over 30 years ago, I had visions of what I wanted their lives to be: Perfect!

Shrek

I would protect them from pain, drama, sadness, even death. I would raise them to be kind, giving, loving, intelligent, wise people that were psychiatrists, mechanics, priests, doctors, accountants, teachers and handymen all rolled into one. They would have all the answers and be totally happy and content.

Then life happened.

hunchback

It raises the question: if your adult children’s lives did not turn out the way you planned, is it your fault?

I can’t imagine that any good, normal parent wishes for their child to grow up and be unhealthy, addicted to drugs or alcohol, unemployed, divorced, alone, unhappy or suicidal, rude, angry or self-centered. Yet thousands are.

news

Sometimes, I’m wracked with guilt. At night, when I can’t sleep, I think about every conversation, every thing that happened in their lives. I drive myself crazy thinking about what I could have done more of, better, just differently, so that my children’s lives would be easier now.

Over 8 years ago, my son started a long, ugly, horrible divorce. He still has to deal with arguments, anxiety and courts. We fully expect the unpleasantness to continue until my grandson is 18 years old (which is an additional 7 years of this crap!) A 10-year marriage (which was even uglier then the divorce) left him with trust issues, financial problems and health issues.

My husband and I didn’t approve of his choice and let him know. He opted to “run away” and get married, (I always believed it was because he knew we would talk him out of it). Maybe I could have said more to him to prevent the ill-fated marriage? Maybe I should have said less? During the marriage, I could have interfered more…. Made him SEE the things that were going on while he was at work. If I had convinced them to move to another state, would the result have been different?

wedding

Just over a year ago, my sweet daughter was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). My heart breaks when I think it may have been hereditary (of course, from MY side of the family). When she voiced complaints earlier in life, should I have taken her to different doctors? Forced them to run tests? Should I have recognized symptoms that I attributed to growing pains or being overly concerned, paranoid or over-dramatic?

We can make ourselves crazy thinking about the actions we took and the choices we made. Or we can realize that we did OK.

In saner moments, I realize that my children are perfect even if their lives are not. I am proud of them and who they became. I am proud of both my two and each and every nephew and niece. I consider them to be my friends and enjoy spending time with them. I genuinely like them! So, maybe there isn’t anything to feel guilty about. Maybe we did OK. Maybe, instead of thinking of the hardships they must endure, we can focus on the good things in their lives. That bad marriage my son was in? It produced the greatest, most awesome grandson that ever was! My son is now in a relationship with a great woman who is good for him and to him. My daughter handled her diagnosis a lot better then I did. She told me she wasn’t angry with God. She was grateful that it wasn’t a lot worse (which she assured me, it could have been). So, when I stop and think about it, my children are level-headed, hard woking, good, loving people.

smiles

So maybe their lives didn’t go the way I had planned. But I don’t think my life went the way my mother planned, either. It did, however, go the way I planned.

Keep the Change

My niece, Meris, once asked “What kind of name is ‘Bob’?” This was evidence of what we called the “Generation Gap” (a 1960’s expression). We explained that “Bob” is a shortened form of “Robert”. Meris quickly maintained that “Rob” is short for “Robert”. That’s when we realized that all the examples we threw her way were before her time. Bob Hope? Who? Bob Dylan? Nope. Bob Dole? Uh-uh.

Bob Evans

Sandy and I are, what you call, “Baby Boomers”, and we often discuss the fading away of things that were prominent in our lifetimes. I’m not talking about milk men, fallout shelters, green stamps, pay toilets or prizes in your laundry detergent. I’m talking about things used today that will be gone. Not all will be missed, but all are sentimental.

We’ve often discussed that every exit on a road trip will someday be the same. Small businesses no longer dot the landscape on freeway and turnpike exits. McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Burger King, BP, Pilot, Days Inn and Super 8s do. Currently you have to take an additional 20 minutes (and up to an hour) on a trip to exit the road train to see something different.

hiway sign

Traditional bakeries and butchers have been on the decline for years. When was the last time you went to a butcher or bakery? Not at the back of the grocery store, but an honest-to-goodness butcher or bakery with its own storefront. If you’re living in the U.S., (because there are tons in Europe), chances are you don’t frequent either one. They’ve become as antiquated as dime stores. Generation Ys’ and Millenials’ interest in healthy and clean eating continues to surge. This means eating more vegetables and less meat and sugars. (sigh)

No one should be surprised when I say the print edition of newspapers is on the way out.  It can also be predicted that television and radio news will eventually disappear as well. The younger generation simply doesn’t read the newspaper, watch newscasts on television or listen to the radio. They graze Yahoo!, Google and the Huffington Post focusing on news that is appealing, feels good or caters to their own opinions.

 

fail

This is good news for trees, but what will we use to line our bird cages? Clean streaks off of windows? Make funny hats with? Or paper train your puppy?

In the same vein, books and magazines (and eventually libraries) will vanish. Many say they will never give up the physical book, including me. You hold it in your hand; it feels good and smells delightful.

Today you can browse an online bookstore and read a preview before you buy. The price is less than half of a real book and free if you borrow a digital book from the library. Stuart, my youngest, bought my iPad Mini a cover that looks and smells like a leather book. I then began sliding my fingers on the screen to turn virtual pages. I became lost in the story and I forgot I was holding a modern gizmo instead of a book.

Still, I’ve yet to convert to digital cookbooks. How will I know favored recipes if there are no food stain splatters or notes (“Yummy!”, “A+”, “One bite will kill you” or “Needs a lot of wine to get this down”) in the margins?book-book

I once prepared a teenager’s tax return in which he owed the state of Kentucky a small amount. He had no personal check (surprise, surprise) so I directed him to the Post Office to obtain a Money Order. When he came back, I provided an envelope and instructed him to put his return address on the envelope. He wasn’t sure where his return address should be placed. I pointed to the upper-left corner and went to retrieve a stamp. When I came back, he had written his return address, in one line, across the top of the envelope. Ladies and gentlemen, E-mail, Social networking, online bill payment options, eCards, Fed Ex, and UPS, will put a nail in the coffin of the United States Post Office. So out goes the mailbox, stamps and the Most Wanted List.

mailbox02

We virtually have banks in our pockets using our smartphones. With the increased popularity of credit/debit cards, online bill payment, Apple Pay and PayPal, the paper check will soon disappear. The government has stopped issuing paper checks for Social Security, disability, welfare, and other benefits. Recipients receive payments through direct deposit into a bank account or a prepaid card. Somewhere down the line, using the phrase “the check is in the mail” and referencing “checking accounts” will have the next generation scratching their heads. The traditional, brick-and-mortar bank is beginning to die off as will traditional bank tellers and face-to-face meetings with asset managers.

What about cash? I’ve actually experienced a Salvation Army’s red kettle fitted with a credit/debit card machine that prints a receipt! There’s support to eliminate the American penny, but I don’t think all cash will be rendered obsolete. What are the drug dealers, hit men, prostitutes and panhandlers going to do?

street per

70 percent of residential landlines have gone to wireless and cable carriers. Our choice to utilize a landline will be taken away as early as the next decade because phone companies want to dismantle networks of copper landlines. Phone booths, (what will Superman do?), answering machines and Yellow Pages will vanish as well. How will you show your dismay during a phone conversation if you can’t “slam” the headset? Think about the phrases related to traditional phones. Hopefully the youth of today watch enough Loony Tunes to understand that a phone can be “hung up” or “dialed”.

phone booth02

When I speak of “dear departed fashion”, I’m not talking about trends, such as acid-washed jeans and Hammer pants; I’m talking about an absolute ending to certain garments, and style.

Along with special occasions (funerals, Holy Days and weddings), my Dad wore a tie every Sunday. Today, the tie’s demise is evident everywhere. Sales have dropped to half. At the 2013 G-8 Summit, Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and other world leaders were sans ties. Corporate dress code policies are relaxing and no longer require ties.

double_fashion05

What about the ladies? Young ladies don’t know what trousseaus or a bride’s “going away outfit” is.

I know my slips and half-slips have been in the back of my drawer for at least 10 years. Camisoles, Spanx, boy-cut panties and leggings keep panty lines at bay and hide your figure under see-through skirts and blouses.

We used to set aside a whole day for ironing. Today, Millenials rarely, if ever, iron. Most fabrics don’t require ironing. Driers take care of most of the wrinkles. The younger folks don’t have time and believe the wrinkles don’t look that bad.

Along with the vanishing of Go-Go Boots, it’s “lights out” for shoe repair shops. The huge influx of cheap shoes from abroad now makes it cheaper to replace shoes than to repair them.

A couple of weeks ago my niece, Jessica, her son and I went to Cincinnati’s Coney Island. We sat at the edge of Sunlite Pool with our feet dangling in the cool water, watching Will splash and “swim”. Looking around I noticed no one was wearing bathing caps. There was a time when almost all females wore one. It protected your coiffure and kept damaging chlorine and murky lake water away from your hair and ears. Today’s hairstyles are wash and wear with the “slept-in” look prevalent.

hair

So unless you’re at a professional swim meet or your local public pool requires them, you won’t see much of these any more.

On a recent visit to Sandy’s, our great-nephew, Will, came to say goodnight. Aunt Sandy asked “Did you brush your teeth and wash your feet?” (Puzzled looks all around). Children no longer play in their bare feet (it’s too dangerous). When we were children, we did. To keep her sheets clean, Mom always reminded us to brush our teeth and wash our feet.

Will just graduated Kindergarten and may never experience chalkboards and clap erasers or playing dodge ball at recess.

With the decrease in paper consumption by 90% in the next decade, he may not experience pens, pencils, pencil sharpeners and erasers or cursive handwriting for much longer. It’s mind-boggling!

I understand that nothing is permanent. The world is simply changing.

I’ll miss telling time on an analogue clock and my “Baby Memes” wall calendar. On the other hand, I won’t miss cable, unfolding a paper map on a road trip or can openers.

What are you sorry to see go? What don’t/won’t you miss?